Unsupportive Spouse

So the title says it all. She gave me the "It's me or the snakes" line today. She only wants me to get rid of my venomous. I am unwilling to do so. All of my herps are in a dedicated, secure, locking room in my basement. I am bored with harmless reptiles, have studied in preparation for my schlegs and now that I got them she is forcing me to either get rid of them or she will file for divorce.

This is obviously not fair. But hey something like 60% of marriages end in divorce so why prolong the inevitable right?

Anyone have any words of wisdom?

Who am i to tell you how to handle.
Well, you ask, i will give it a try.

If the relation is 100% this would not have gone so far.
From that point of vieuw the next;
If you put your snakes somewhere else it would be great, for the moment.
In a couple of months there will be another issue and fight.

Go for the solution to go back at a 100% relation, don't go around the problem, it will be back...



As a person to you:
good luck.

Just get a couple more schlegs she will be more understanding when she see's your expanding

If she is telling you its you or the snakes I fear the problems are way more than just the snakes.

Makes me feel so fortunate.

Good luck, I think you need it!

Hello Shawn,

Rob as well as Graeme are right imo.
If her relationship to you were really good this question would not come up. If you follow her demand - what comes next? And when?

I experienced exactly the same twice in my life, my answer was: You know where the door is. What made this easier was that we were not married. But even in this case my answer would have been clear.
My luck now is that my wife is not only able but also eager to care for my snakes, including venomous ones, when I´m not at home.

I wish you that sort of luck for your future,
Rainer

Graeme and Rainer, thanks i hear you loud and clear.

If we didnt have children we wouldnt be married.

Hmmmm... when there are kids involved, it becomes a whole new ball game, and with more losers than winners.

Just curious: did your wife know you were preparing to keep venomous snakes, or was it a surprise when they arrived?

Good luck whatever happens...

She actually found out I was getting them by snooping through my text messages. I was planning on telling her in advance, but she found out before I was able to. Not the way I planned it to go at all.

I talked to her about it today, told her I would build a large lockbox/enclosure to put the venomous enclosures in for extra safety. It might keep her off my back. She said she will think about it.

I feel like I am being treated like a child.

I hope it all works out for you. I am about to marry a Thai girl. One of the first things I did was tell her about my snakes. When I went to Thailand to see her, I took her to the Thai Red Cross Snake Farm and King Cobra Village, so she could get a better understanding of snakes. Seems most people in Thailand either have little or no knowledge of snakes and are scared of them, or they work with snakes everyday. Now she wants to help me breed snakes and go to shows when she moves to USA. We have also agreed on a prenuptial agreement, just in case. Can't be too careful.

Good Luck Shawn

Randy

Good luck to you sir! I wish you the best.

I wish she would just trust that I know what I am doing and understand how much these animals mean to me. I am not one of the idiots who got them just to say "hey look I have venomous snakes!" I appreciate them, and want to learn everything I can about them.

Thanks Shawn,

I would try to get your wife more involved some how. You need to think of a way to gradually get her interested in them. My girl was scared to death of all snakes, but she touched a DOR Ratsnake we saw when driving to Surin, Thailand to see Karl Muller, who is a member of Venomland. She barley let a live Cornsnake touch her hand at Karls house, but she had no problem taking a close look at Karls hatchling kaouthia, and soon after she held a Burm around her neck at the Thai Red Cross, and again at King Cobra Village, and she was using my extra Nikon to take photos of Cobras and other snakes at both places, and then the Dusit Zoo. Snakes are a hard thing to get most people to love. Don't ask me why, haha. But it can be done.

Randy

I wish that was an option. She has refuted my many attepts at conversion to the dark side. She isnt much of an animal person to begin with. Ughh.

When they say opposites attract, what they really mean, when you get stuck with someone due to having kids together, opposites are stuck together....isnt life grand?

The kids do compound the problem, but sometimes people just can not stay together, for whatever reason, and the best thing is to part ways, before it gets worse. But both parents need to be in the kids life, for the kids sake. I can speak to this some, as my parents divorced when I was 5 years old. I think my brother and I turned out ok.

I don't want to attack your wife, but if she was snooping through your text messages, there is a much bigger problem. I would have more of a problem with my wife snooping in my phone, than her not wanting snakes in the house.

Randy

I have a HUGE problem with i actually.

The back story to this is that I was not looking to get married or have kids at 21 years of age. Met her on my 21st birthday at the pub. A few one nighters turned into her getting pregnant. I was still immature and into having a good time. I missed the first year of our oldest son's life basically drinking away all my money and shakin up with the next chick in line. Not until about 3 years ago did I get my act together and become a father. We decided to get married. She and my son are the reason I am not in jail or worse. Now we have two boys who are my pride and joy. However we got married for the wrong reasons and now we are realizing it.

Trying to do the right thing for the kids is ok, but since it is obviously not working, a separation is the next step. During which time you both can think about what is the best thing to do. Sorry to hear about this. Good luck whatever you decide.

Randy

Thanks Randy

Tell her to f*** off.
No snakes no love.

I have an uncle who was a snake fanatic as a young man, met his wife while still young and they got married.
Unfortunately she has a true phobia for snakes and she made it quite difficult for him to keep them, so he got rid of them. He gets his fix by looking at my stuff.
Today they are married for over 30 years, so I wouldn't say "No snakes no love". Life isn't as clear cut as that.

I don't know you or your wife but the fact that children are involved does, like WW says, make it a different ball game. My first thought is that everything should be done to avoid divorce, especially for your boys.
What about a compromise? No captive collection means more time and resources for fieldwork?

Marthinus C. Harmse wrote:

Tell her to f*** off.
No snakes no love.

I am trying to work out your profession, I suspect you are not a marriage guidance adviser!

However you may have a valid point.

Love implies accepting you with, and for what you are.

Ultimatums can't be part of a relation based on respect and true care. Nothing's white or black.
(as well as ""funckin' off" is not really a greyish shade, is it?... )

As a girl 'loving wierd animals' (so said in the text^^), I have had quite a few non-reptile lovers companions; (non-)dialogue and time usually show what really lays beneath.

...And I still have all my animals... : )

I might have come over too harsh but the sad reality is that any person wanting you to get rid of your hobby or passion is not worth wasting your time over.
You cannot change people the way you want them. She threw an ultimatum at you, so I'm only suggesting a response to it.
Somebody once said that one shoud not tolerate intolerance.

From a happily married venomland member.

Marthinus C. Harmse wrote:

I'm only suggesting a response to it.

Quite understandable. But also THE way to spoil any possible solution and dialogue.

Take time to figure it out.
Time's a a friend, anger and quick reactions are barely good advisers. : )

I'm with Ms Eisenbeis, give it time and make sure every avenue has been investigated before even considering divorce.

No 2 ways about it, it is quite a predicament.

You sure she wasn't angry with you for something unrelated and is taking it out on you in this way?

My wife and I have been related for 15 years now. When she visited me at home for the very first time, she was really shocked. A colleague had told her I would keep snakes, which to me was not worth to talk about, and she expected a pair of them, not a room full. As I left no doubt that the snakes are one of the most important things in my life, she arranged herself with me and my uncommon hobby.

In deed my wife never made my hobby hers, but she allows me to spend time, money and space on it. (Ok, money is a point diskussed controversial from time to time ...)
Years ago, when I kept some bigger rattlers, she declared not to enter the room any longer, and asked me to always lock the door, which both was no problem to me.
About ten years ago she asked me to give up keeping hots when we once would have children. I answered her I would break with that part of the hobby, whenever I would not be sure about the safety of my family any more.
In 2003 we got married, later we moved to our own house and now we’ve got two nice little kids, aged three and four. I still keep hots in a separated room in the basement which of course is locked whenever I’m not in, to make sure the kids have no access without me. Besides this, any opening is secured to avoid any possible case of outbreak.
When I’m in with the kids, I never open a cage of venomous snakes, so I just work on the hot snakes when I’m alone or with a friend also experienced in such.
But I want my children to know what’s going on in that ‘secret part’ of our house, as “curiosity kills the cat”. They have to know nearly every animal in that special room is venomous and absolutely nothing for kids.
And if I’m not around to let them see the snakes, there’s another room, full of lizards, which is of free access …

Regards

Peter

PS: What one never should forget is, that even if you avoid your family from accidents with your hots, you take responsibility for your own life too. Especially when you’ve got kids.

I won't dare to give advice here and I am a bit scared that others do so without exact knowledge of Your specific situation. But I have kids (twins, 9 at the moment) and I do understand my wife when she asked me: "No venomous until they are much older."

Just my very personal opionion in a very personal situation.

Regards,
Guenter